I have recently had the baby debate dropped on my lap over the last few months in many different ways, shapes and forms. Whether its my peers getting knocked up/not getting knocked up, my own decision with when to have our last baby, or a random article in a magazine about a writer confused by not wanting to have children- its apparently a baby questioning season! My 9 year old says she has counted 38 people who are pregnant in her world right now- from our friends and family in New Mexico,Colorado, to school, home, church and more- its a pretty high number I suppose, but even she is noticing this season of belly belly belly -baby baby baby!
No matter what the debate or situation- I am convinced there is never a 'convenient' time to have a baby- or be a parent for that matter. I can't think of time where I just really saw all things fall into place and shout "Perfect Baby Having Time!"-which may be my disdain for the title of the "Planned Parenthood" clinics. My first baby was when I was 19 and that surely was NOT a convenient time to have a baby. Not only was it unplanned it was very scary and chaotic. There was my inability to choose a great mate, my inability to support myself on anything less than 2 full time jobs, my inability to get motivated about a career, my inability to not want to party every weekend, and more importantly my inability to think of anything much further than myself or the next 'page' on my pager that I needed to call back- yeah no cell phones then.
My second child was also not any more of a convenient arrival either. I had just met a great guy and married him and we were barely getting on our feet with a four year old and our first marriage. We both worked a lot and had a small little apartment where my daughters room doubled as a guest room- and no, the guest room was not pink- she had the most stylish bedroom a 4 year old's ever had- sorry baby that's all the furniture we had. We were struggling hard every month with our little $575 rent and it was a tag team race to make things work. We had it all planned out though when we got married in September- we'd have a grand ol wedding for his overseas family in the summer and then maybe a year or two later I'd get knocked up. Nah, I guess I got pregnant 3 months later on the patch- dang- my first baby on the pill-over 99.9% effective my ass. Well its that common phrase we parents say "Oh SH**" Come to think of it, I hardly know people that really planned out there kids with lots of thought and precision. I was always blessed with being super fertile so I had to work hard at NOT getting pregnant while a few people I know had to work hard at getting pregnant- some of them because they waited too long to have kids or struggled with infertility.
Now as I struggle with timing on my 3rd and final baby it should be more convenient now but its still a bit of a sore spot in my spirit. I have a lot of things that are good- like I just sent my baby to Kindergarten and so sending in his last daycare payment felt like I just paid off a 30 year mortgage! Hallelujah!! My husband and I bring in good money now- but we are also building a business that's rough and life is just busy busy busy sometimes- ok most times. We do foster care for teens and that consumes time but has been a blessing all along too. Health insurance now is an issue but I guess that's the same thing for more than 40 million Americans so I shouldn't feel so special to think health insurance -specifically the BS maternity packages are just straight extortion. It just seems that there is always something more 'productive' I could be doing than having another baby. But tick tock- times up- I don't want my kids sooooo far apart so I gotta just bite the bullet.
I recently read an interesting article in 5280 Magazine A Baby Story, where the writer expressed her fears and her instincts to not have babies. It was a great article at great timing because I have recently been going through this same line of thinking with a friend unsure about babies or timing. In the article she lists out some of her issues and here are my encouraging words over these, as I think whether you've never had kids, aren't sure you want kids, have a bunch of kids or are considering having more kids- I think we all struggle with these fears at times.
Deep Fears Over Having Kids:
"I'm afraid of the loss of my career, the huge demands it would require of me and I don't want to fall into an intellectual black hole while having only a 2 year old to talk to all day...."
I think any of us sharp, independent, A type career minded women get real scared on this one. We've worked hard and don’t want to 'loose' that. The thing for me is I've found having kids as an experience that has only deepened my career. I now have a reason further than myself, my bills and my daytime to focus on a career and goals of the like. My kids have taught me so many things that I just never would of learned otherwise. I had to focus on my kid before my career at age 19 but I can really say that I was heading down a path in college that I really would of hated at graduation and giving that up at the time hurt, but I look back and thank God. I'd have probably an extra $30k in student loans for a career I'd hate- had I not had this 'interruption' in my life. Now as an adult I honor and respect education at a level maybe even higher than some who have an education because I realize its worth since it was something I had to surrender for a time. After having my daughter I got real focused and motivated to make something good of myself and do something I had a passion over. The lessons I learned and continue to learn are immense.
There are seasons in life to everything, seasons of late night studying, B.S internships, seasons of dream jobs, seasons of no money/ lots of money, seasons of sadness/happiness, seasons of health/illness, and seasons of talking with a 2 year old all day. Sometimes in our over motivated lives we forget to slow down and enjoy this life. My kids teach me that when they stop to look at the smallest bug or prettiest flower-and sadly when I've had to call in sick for work because of a fever, I value health. Meanwhile I'm on the GO! GO! GO! To meet a deadline and get 'ahead' and in the midst of that- I forget to enjoy the journey. I have become an even stronger woman and business woman at that, thanks to my kids. If you can go through child birth, sleepless nights and the demands of kids- a CEO job or starting a business looks like a walk in the park. My kids have inspired me to accomplish my goals and be the me I want them to be proud of.
The thing I did was never loose me in the hustle and bustle. I don't think it was me being intellectual in my young age of 19- as I was just young and knew there was so much I didn't get to do because of my baby. So growing up it always came second nature to me to carve out 'me time'. I have always demanded time for lunches with my girlfriends, wine tasting's, guitar lessons, quiet 'coffee shop book reading time' and the like- All while having kids and a crazy life. I later saw intelligent data that supported my attitude for 'me time'. I learned that if I poured out everything that I am, I would only have an empty pitcher to offer the rest of the thirsty world and my thirsty family. Fear not of having an empty pitcher as kids will take- but they also give.
We as a society are a bit off when it comes to women and overly putting our identity in our kids/homes but then we slammed to the other side of the pendulum and overly put our identity in our careers and accomplishments. It doesn’t have to be either/or. I have many hobbies, activities, interests and accomplishments and have done it all while having kids. I have not abandoned my kids to pursue my selfish interests but rather shown them how important it is to keep a balance and strive to be a well rounded person.
There will be less balance in the beginning with a lil cry baby for the first year- but it flies by so fast you wont believe your baby is off to Kindergarten like mine was last week.
As infants I stayed home, as toddlers they went to preschool part time (they do get bored of us adults around 18 months and like little kids to play with) so I worked part time and started a small business that I could control my hours. Now he is in Kindergarten and GONE ALL DAY like the rest of my kids and I am free to work harder on my business' or have a full time career should I choose. All of this in 5 years and it feels like only yesterday I was giving birth to him- it feels like only yesterday I was giving birth to his sister who is now 10! The time goes so fast for us parents, ask any parent and they will agree- kids grow too fast. You will sacrifice for your children but its worth it.
Showing them a smart, educated, traveled well rounded woman as a mother IS THE GOAL- The goal is not to turn into some 'failure' of a career woman out dated in the work place wondering what this 'email' thing is in 2010, confined to a life of PTA meetings or who's identity is in a 3 year old, pimping a toddler Barbie'd up on a pageant stage, to fulfill a deeply failed goal of being a hollywood star. I've met many women who were not career orientated or motivated but just continued to keep their own adult womanly identity while fulfilling their life long dream of being a stay at home mother and wife.
Just remember there is always time for career- we have at our age over 25 more years to focus and grow career wise. Now days the corporate 'money saving' trends are encouraging more working from home, conferencing in, freelancing, and as a writer I would say that’s a great career to have for kids. An infant sleeps 23 hours a day for the first few months. There are always napping kids (something you must insist on ALWAYS!), daycare, babysitters and time to get in your needs if you prioritize and coordinate well! I have taken my daughter to Hawaii 3 times, we took both kids to my husbands home town in Africa for a month, my daughter went to the Bahamas w/ grandma and we travel in the country often- and we have just reached what I would say is upper middle class. I think being a great parent is showing your kids the world and the people in this world. Living abroad is not out of the question and should always be part of the question as a parent- and not 'if' but 'when'. Through technology, government and economy we're just able to be more global than our parents could be, so to me its vital to travel and expose children to the good and bad in this world. Its not only inspiring its innovative and we as parents need to initiate it!
"I'm afraid of not feeling sexy, loosing romance in my relationship with my husband and the possibility of divorcing/damaging the relationship by not agreeing on how to raise our kids"
For every woman its different. I got no stretch marks (I think its genetic), and lost weight from the morning sickness. I nursed my kids so my weight came off much faster. Nursing burns more calories than being pregnant and helps your uterus to contract back down much faster and safer than not nursing. The younger you are the more energy you have so if you keep on waiting and waiting to have kids you will be a lot more tired than if you have kids while younger. For me I am actually in better shape today after 2 kids because I really care about my health. I want to live a healthy lifestyle for my kids and model good health and activity. I work out with a lady who started body building at 36 when her son was just 18 months old and she's a champion of many awards at 40 with a 4 year old. She found something she liked and worked hard for it. She's freakin hot! lol.
Your body will never be the 'same'- even if you are blessed with good genetics or hips. You have to realize that our body's are like a scrapbook of our past. Some of those scars or marks have bad memories attached to them and some are great. We have to redefine our magazine ideal of whats 'hot' and what's 'not'. I heard a study the other day that men find 'real' women to be far more attractive than those with all the fake/plastic physiques. There is something attractive about the sacrifice we take for our children- and most men report being very attracted to the woman carrying their child. And if you still can't get through those body changes- there's always vaginal reconstruction, tummy tucks, boob jobs and a myriad of cosmetic procedures out there. I guess for a price you can get your body 'back' - but $15k wont get you a family or life long legacy of children- so weigh the cost I suppose:)
Feelings of romance can come and go in a relationship depending on situational issues. For me I am now more connected to my husband and he is more connected to me- as we are now not only seeing each other through the lens of "spouse" but rather "Father of my children, mother of my children" and its sexy. When you see your spouse sacrificing and playing monster on the floor with your kids- you get connected-attracted- turned on. My husband and I have always put our relationship at a very high priority even over our kids. He is from Africa and they don’t culturally put their kids above their spouse-its not even a part of their DNA. It was something I had to learn (against my instinct) but we are Team A and they are Team B- and a pastor once told me the greatest thing you can give your kids is to show them how you value your spouse and make them a priority. We make it a priority to go on dates, vacation, and even if its just a walk around the block after a busy day we make time for each other. We read about relationships, marriage and even go to seminars just to double make sure we're good. Its very American to drop everything for your kids and then be a divorced empty nester because your kids were your life and now they're gone. Just choose the un American way on this one.
For disagreements- yes there will always be a different perspective on child rearing and any other subject us married folks differ on. If you don’t have pets, get one. I've seen my friend and her husband learn a lot about their parenting styles by just getting a puppy. It is funny now that the dog is 1 they are in sync with their roles and parenting styles. Keeping open communication and agreeing to 'wait' on making a decision works awesome with kids. We have a default saying "Well I'll speak with mom/dad and get back to you" - Our kids know that WE agree first. Then me and my husband can thrash it out in the bedroom and come out with a plan and a smile. Things don’t always go well but you work together and its ok. You give and take, he gives and takes. Compromise- the definition of marriage.
"I'm afraid that I won't like being a mom (or dad) and that my child will suffer for my inadequacies"
Well this may be the biggest fear- and it is very true. We all fear things and I wish I could say that you'll always 'like' being a parent and your kids 'wont' suffer from your inadequacies- but that isn't the truth. There will be days when you hate being a parent. There will be times when its hard and tougher than anything you've ever done. There are bitter sweet moments because you feel pain or angst for a little creature you just love to tears and they won't listen to you. But those are passing moments, they are not the majority of the pie chart. Just like in marriage there are rough and tough spots but if you're in a healthy loving relationship the majority of time is filled with happiness, joy and love. Even with the worst teens I've had - if you count it up its no more than 1-2 days a month if 'really bad days'. 1/31 isn't bad odds.
And if over all you just hate being a parent day in and day out- you had probably seek psychiatric help for depression or post par-tum depression. There are always long lines for adoptive parents in waiting should you bail on the kid too- you know just like divorce is always an option. But I would say that if you're any kind of committed, loving, stable adult this won't be an issue because you will be so present mentally and emotionally to receive and enjoy the love of children.
All of us have inadequacies that usually run pretty deep. Some have more than others but usually the fruits of our lives are a reflection of just how much junk we carry. Most of us can say that we did suffer from some inadequacy our parents had no matter how big or small. Some people cook terrible food because their terrible cook mom taught them how to cook. But there's hope to learn better recipes and cooking techniques just like there is hope for all of us to find healing and restoration from our issues.
Some people have to over come issues of abandonment, abuse, low self esteem, anger, depression, over achieving, attachment, stereotypes, discrimination, poverty, bad manners, learning disabilities, physical limitations and too many more to list. The thing about all these seemingly insurmountable issues is that as adults I'm not sure we can look at our parents and say "Hey! You should of been perfect!" - while some of us have bigger axes to grind with our parents, for the most part we as mature adults should be able to see why our parents had their shortcomings. While we may not agree with how they handled them, we should at least be able to understand them. With that we should also be able to see any overcoming and success' they did too.
This should be the launching ground for not repeating the same thing with our kids. If we approach child rearing with such a goal then the issues that come will only serve as lessons to our children. For me when I mess up, I say sorry- yes even to a child or bratty teen. I show that I am not perfect and when you mess up you say sorry. They in turn learn that they are not perfect and when they do wrong they need to correct the situation. I cringe at the day a perfect human being raises a child- that child would suffer far an above all children because no human can be perfect and that child would never live up to that standard.
Its important for us to say to our kids "Learn from my mistakes or see what I've overcome"- while they may be hard headed and want to learn from their own mistakes- often times our honest candor is something they can take to bank. Having my kids confide in me, not because I'm perfect, but rather because they know they will get an honest raw answer- feels far more of a bonding experience than the daily pleasantries or surface chit chat we give passing strangers.
So to have kids, or not to have kids and will I loose myself?- that is the question. My conclusions are that these above fears are not signs that one should 'not' be meant to have children but rather a sign that indeed it is something to be explored as a possible sign of needing to be a parent. See when we have given significant thought and research to a subject it shows responsibility. When we worry about our own short comings and have self doubt, it is a sign to stand up and be strong in who we are. To say "I am woman hear me roar!" To fight through those ringing doubts that whispered to us that we would never be pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough or loved fully. It is time to look at all worry and doubt and see it for what it truly is. Not everyone was born with a deep longing to marry or have children- but should a great opportunity present itself- I say take the leap. Too many times the old cliche's go- we regret more of what we never did or never tried, than that of which we did and failed at. Most of us have a 'failure is not an option' when it comes to our careers and our goals and if we adopt this mantra to our marriages, our relationships and having children-then stumble we may, but fail we will not.
